Since October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I have decided to take part in this project. While I do not plan to post something for each day of the month-long project, I do think having a share would be of some benefit, both to myself and perhaps anyone who stumbles upon this blog.
As the months and years pass, the pain ebbs and flows, the seasons of grief come and pass, but there is something that never changes for me: a desperate need to feel connected. When I’m happy and experiencing joy, I want to share it. When I’m in the depths of despair, I don’t want to be alone. Pregnancy and infant loss can be isolating. I suffered in silence for a long time, and there are times even now when I’m afraid to tell someone I need to talk and ask for help for fear of being perceived as a downer and a black cloud, or as if I’m too consumed by grief to express gratitude for the joy I do have.
The truth is I live a full, joyful life with my husband and young son, and not a day goes by when I don’t meditate on all the reasons I have for joy. But the darkness always comes. The weather can change on a dime, from sunny and wonderful to downpours of rain and tears. So many times I feel split in two, as if one half of me is living in a colorful world with my rainbow baby, and the other is trapped in the cold, dark, and lonely world of infant loss.
The only way to process and heal myself is to connect these two different worlds and keep a steady balance so the darkness never consumes the light, but lets the light shine through the darkness. So many of those lights come from connection.
Grief is a journey. Thank you for taking a moment to walk alongside me. It is my hope that you can see that despite the ugliness and raw pain, there is beauty in broken things.